August 10, 2023

How to face our fears and do it anyway.

Liberté Free to Be in conversation with mental health expert, Miranda Arieh.

One of the key subjects that came out of our conversation was the theme of how to face our fears and do it anyway. How can we let go of past thought patterns that so often hold us back in midlife?

I first met ⁠Miranda Arieh⁠ as we both stood nervously outside BBC Radio Leeds before we entered another round of the “New Voices” presenter competition. I managed to make it to the final 5 but they were only taking 2 presenters and it wasn’t meant to be. It was a great opportunity to learn more about the world of radio and presenting ⁠and whilst some may have seen it as a failure, I saw it as a great opportunity and I'm now on my 134th podcast interview so I think it turned out ok. Miranda is now regularly heard on Radio Leeds sharing her work around mental health and I have loved following her ever since.

⁠Miranda Arieh⁠ is an award-winning mental health activist, public speaker and spiritual coach from Leeds, UK. 

Following a lengthy stay in an adolescent psychiatric unit at 14 years old, Miranda learned first-hand how cold the world of mental health treatment can be and set out to learn a better way to alleviate her suffering. She went on course after course, devoured books by spiritual teachers, and decided to dedicate her life to transforming her attitudes, trigger reactions and life-long patterns. Sure enough, she started to recognize that all the triggers she felt were an opportunity for spiritual growth and began to enjoy the process of learning of getting to know herself, befriend herself, hold herself.

After over a decade of finding her feet and securing roles at some of the country's leading mental health charities, including Mind, Community Links and Time to Change, Miranda started to be invited to share her story up and down the country at mental health conferences, awareness-raising events, and on radio and television.

The foundation of all the work that Miranda does has self-compassion at the core as a ‘bridge’ to practising presence and being able to live in the present moment.

Practising presence is the essence of inner peace.

One of the key subjects that came out of our conversation was the theme of how to face our fears and let go of past thought patterns that so often hold us back in midlife.

How Miranda faces her own fears

“I'm living within a theme in my life at the moment of feeling the fear and doing it anyway, and I'm living within this theme in my life of acknowledging that courage is not the absence of fear. So, I could feel scared every day, but I do it anyway. It's this acknowledgement of acting, taking the steps towards what I want to do and what I want my life to look like and how I want to be and show up in this world.

 Regardless of how scared I feel. For so long in my life, I lived with this so called protector in me,  holding me back from doing what I really want. It created the illusion that I was safe in my comfort zone,  that the comfort zone is very overrated.

 We need to step out of that if we really want to expand in this world.

 And it's not until I've hit my 40s and now, I seek out opportunities, even though it scares the hell out of me sometimes, but the rewards if you've done it are definitely worth. Facing my fears and doing it anyway.

Here are some of Miranda’s tips on learning how to face our fears and do it anyway, with self-compassion.

In the complicated tapestry of life, there’s a recurring theme that we all encounter: the dance between fear and action. In this midlife transformative phase, marked by wisdom and experience, we find ourselves at a crossroads — the crossroads of feeling the fear and doing it anyway.(If you haven’t read the back by Susan Jeffers, I definitely recommend it)

Miranda reminds us that courage, as we often hear, is not the absence of fear; it’s the audacity to proceed in the face of it. Miranda eloquently unravels the essence of this mantra. With her insights, we explored how midlife becomes a canvas for untamed aspirations and boundless potential, fuelled by facing our fears head-on and embracing new opportunities.

Acknowledge the Fear, Take the Leap

As we embrace our 40s and beyond, a realization dawns upon us — the comfort zone acts as a cocoon, and the real magic unfolds beyond its cosy confines. The tapestry of life becomes richer when we dare to unravel the threads of fear that once held us captive. Miranda reminds us that every aspiration, every dream, every longing resides on the other side of fear.

The Courageous Act of Letting Go

Midlife unfurls not just as a quest for new knowledge, but as an awakening of self-discovery through letting go. It’s a time to peel back layers, an endeavour to become the best version of ourselves. Miranda encourages us to shed the remnants of past conditioning, to embrace the unravelling, to rediscover the essence that resides within.

“I love the word unravelling because it is almost about peeling back the layers of everything we're not. To be our best version of ourselves, you know, we hear this terminology, ‘be the best version of you’, we don't have to become anything new, we don’t have to acquire anything new, we have to let go of everything that we're not.”

Many women in midlife years will suddenly start going, Okay, I'm full enough. I'm full. What do I want to let go off? What do I want to release? How do I want to unravel?  It's this delayering, the peeling and shedding layers of conditioning and these protection mechanisms built to protect us. Like I said at the beginning, they don't really protect us at all. Part of that is embracing and stepping out of the comfort zone.’’

 Navigating Relationships 

As we evolve, so do our relationships. Midlife beckons us to grow together or to part ways with those whose frequencies no longer resonate with our journey. Miranda highlights that reactions from others often mirror their own inner struggles.

“One of the common things that people say in my coaching is “I suddenly don't want to hang around my friends anymore, I suddenly don't want to be around the same people anymore as I used to’’, because they're shifting so much that they might not be aligned anymore.

I guess when it comes to other people's reactions, some people can have odd reactions, because they might feel bad about themselves. One of the first things is to recognise that it's not personal, that if somebody's having a bad reaction to you, they might be fearing that they're going to lose you because they see you growing and expanding. We don't have to take it personally to recognise that the other person might be in suffering on some level themselves.”

Boundaries

Boundaries are very important, and it is something that's kind of bashed about a lot on social media, like a buzz phrase, isn't it? I would always say that to put ourselves first or to hold self-compassionate practice is not selfish at all. Because the kinder that we are to ourselves, the more nourishing we are in that relationship to ourselves.”

The Power of Self-Compassion

Miranda extends a gentle invitation to embark on a journey of self-compassion. It starts with acknowledging the conversation we hold within, the self-talk that either uplifts or diminishes us. “All we need to do with this practice is become very, very aware of what we're saying to ourselves in our heads, we all have a voice in our heads that can either be tearing down, or building us up"

Through this awareness, we can start to transform, letting the light shine through the crevices of self-doubt. Self-compassion is far from selfish, it's a tool to empower ourselves.

 ‘’There's nothing selfish about self-compassionate practice, there's nothing selfish about putting yourself first.’’

Rediscovering the Self

’Amidst the hustle and bustle of life, we often forget to ask ourselves simple yet profound questions: What do I truly like? Which clothes do I like to wear? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go with my life?

I know that’s what I found when I went through divorce at 40, I had to spend time reconnecting with myself and really thinking about some of those seemingly basic questions.

Midlife invites us to reconnect with our passions, to find solace in our own company, and to venture into the realm of possibilities. Through the magic of rediscovery, we embrace the limitless potential that beckons us, echoing Persian poet Rumi’s poignant reminder that ‘what we seek is also seeking us.’

Embracing Fear as a Gateway to Triumph

Miranda’s own life experiences resonate deeply with those moments when we stand on the precipice of our dreams, hearts racing, palms sweaty, yet resolute in our determination to forge ahead. She shares her experience of diving into her long-cherished dream of hosting a radio show on Radio Leeds, which came to fruition during Mental Health awareness week this year. ‘Sometimes it's when we're getting our biggest dreams, we expect them to feel good in the body. Right? Great, which it does now, of course, but it felt so frightening. Even though of course, I was excited, I was elated, but I also felt so terrified. But I did it anyway. ‘

Amidst the swirl of nerves and exhilaration, she surrenders to the fear, recognising that fear need not be banished, but rather, embraced as a companion on the journey. The result? Triumph, elation, and a powerful revelation that we are indeed capable of achieving our dreams, even in the face of fear. I still remember that feeling when I took my first tandem skydive and faced my fear of heights. I was terrified as we sat on the edge of the plane ready to jump, but that feeling of pure elation and pride afterwards was so worth it, if only we could bottle it.

I’ve spoken to so many women who were afraid to take certain steps, because they're terrified of the beating they're going to give themselves if they fail.’

You tried, you did your best and that will always be good enough

‘If we know that if we fall over, we've got a self within us that's going to go "you tried, you did your best". If we can rely on that relationship within ourselves. When we can trust ourselves enough to know that we've got our own backs, we are a lot more able to try new things.’

In the mosaic of midlife, we find ourselves stepping into a realm where fear is no longer an obstacle but can become a guide. Miranda reminds us that the power to feel the fear and do it anyway resides within us all. As we navigate the uncharted waters of this transformative phase, let us remember that every step taken in the presence of fear is a step closer to the extraordinary life that awaits on the other side.

So, embrace the fear.

Say yes to new opportunities.

Let your midlife journey be a testament to the indomitable spirit within.

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Listen to the full podcast episode:

https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/libertefreetobe/episodes/Ep-134-Self-compassion-is-Key-with-award-winning-mental-health-activist-Miranda-Arieh-e2660f1

https://mirandaarieh.co.uk

When was the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone and faced your fears?

We'd love to hear about it - leave a comment below.

Keep being fabulous

Rachel x

August 3, 2023

The Autistic Joyologist – You Are Limitless

By Nikki Butler, The Autistic Joyologist.  

An autism and ADHD diagnosis at 45 and major spinal surgery 12 months ago that resulted in permanent nerve damage, has led me to rethink and realign my life and launch The Autistic Joyologist.

I had a complete career change at 40, after what I now know was an autistic and ADHD burnout at 36, causing me to leave my legal management career behind. I entered the world of entrepreneurship at 37 and have been running a multi-award winning business for the last 7.5 years. An autism and ADHD diagnosis at 45 and major spinal surgery 12 months ago that resulted in permanent nerve damage, has led me to rethink and realign my life and launch The Autistic Joyologist.

The beauty of doing this in my 40’s, and with my autism and ADHD diagnosis, is having the confidence and clarity to be able to create a life that is fulfilling and successful on MY terms.

When life simultaneously makes sense and falls apart -

Being diagnosed as autistic ADHD in my mid 40’s was life changing. On the one hand, my entire life started to make sense. On the other hand, it was like someone had thrown a grenade into the middle of my life, leaving me bewildered and shaken. Realising that my life was not exactly supporting my neurodivergent self - I was like a rabbit in the headlights.

As I processed my diagnosis I rode a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt angry, sad, confused and resentful that nobody had noticed sooner. But, I also felt immense self compassion, pride and hope. The latter won, I am pleased to say!

My spinal surgery, whilst removing the risk of paralysis I’d been faced with, left me with permanent nerve damage. Living in chronic pain and running a skin and scar clinic were not a match made in heaven, and I was only able to return to work part time.

The gift of space and grace -

I’ve always felt the Universe gives me a little nudge (or big shove!) when I need to make changes in my life. I decided to see this time as an opportunity to reflect on my life, and make new choices to support my neurodivergent self. I reflected, I researched and tried to find ways to make changes to my working life that would better support me, but I hit panic mode. I’d created an outwardly successful life, but inwardly I lived in a state of panic and overwhelm. I didn’t know how to change my life, and all the resources available didn’t seem to have the answers.

Reconnecting with myself -

When I left corporate life, I’d spent a lot of time connecting to my core values and dreams. I revisited those audiobooks, and I started again.

As I listened, I realised in horror that I had not been living my life by my core values at all. I had spent my life being a prolific people pleaser and assessing my worth on how much use I’d been to others.  From that moment, I decided that my life would be centred around my values. I would live them each day, and build a life that allowed me to thrive and be successful on my own terms.

RADIATE  -

As I aligned my life and made the changes, I felt immense inner peace. I was recalibrating. I didn’t want to lose this feeling, or be drawn back into living up to societal expectations of success.  And my RADIATE model was born! I created a model that I can use to stay connected to my values, play to my strengths, advocate for myself and create clear boundaries - all to set me up for a thriving and successful life, on MY terms! I’ve used it to transform my whole life, step by step, and I use it to stay connected and in alignment.

Sharing is caring -

Feeling the calmest and happiest I’ve ever felt, I knew I wanted to share this with other women like me. Other women who wish their life could be different, but feel like it’s too late to make changes, too late to lead a life that they actually enjoy.  And so I stepped out as ‘The Autistic Joyologist’, supporting others to thrive and shine, as their true authentic selves. It feels so special to be sharing my RADIATE programme, because I know how much it’s enabled me to transform my life.  It’s exciting to be able to share that with other women, too.

Being bold, brave, and seen! -

The truth is, The Autistic Joyologist is on a mission! As late diagnosed women, we are transforming our own lives, so we can lead fulfilling and happy lives, but we are blazing a trail of glory for our younger generations of autistic ADHD girls. Smashing apart outdated stereotypes and creating a brighter and happier future for those that follow in our footsteps.  It’s never too late to create a life that lights you up, and enables you to be your beautiful, brilliant and authentic self!

To find out more about me please visit, The Autistic Joyologist - https://www.autisticjoyologist.co.uk/ or connect with me via  Nikki Butler - The Autistic Joyologist (@autisticjoyologist) and   Facebook

July 27, 2023

Grey and Divorcing?  You’re in Good Company!

I do

When you walked down the aisle and vowed to “love, honor and cherish” you could not envision the day would come when you would be facing divorce.  (It is noteworthy that we once vowed to “love, honor, and obey” but after centuries of smirks and downright refusal, “cherish” replaced “obey” as the transitive verb of choice.)

Sure, as you said, “I Do,” you knew there would be hardships and hurdles, but you truly believed there was nothing the two of you couldn’t overcome.

Then Life Happened…

Career conflicts, mortgage payments, kids and their countless accouterment, college funds to fill and aging parents to care for, not to mention menopause.  You’re not quite sure when you stopped being you, but you woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize yourself.  Yeah, maybe there was a hint of that hopeful girl in your face, but you had no idea who the rest of it belonged to, including the man you married.

Or, maybe it was your spouse who first lost sight of his wife, as way too many tend to do.  Either way, like it or not, ready or not, here it comes; you have to navigate the daunting landscape of divorce.

Over 50 and facing divorce

If you’re 50 or older and facing divorce, you are not alone.  You’re in good company.  You are in such good company that the company has its own name, “Gray Divorce.”  It’s a reflection of the coveted hair colour we now naturally wear.  The colour we embrace along with our imperfections.  At last, we’re recognizing our “flaw-some-ness.” (Definition: flawed, but nonetheless awesome.)

Divorce Facts…

While the overall divorce rate in the United States is declining, the divorce rate for people over 50 has roughly doubled since 1996, with women now initiating approximately 69% of divorces.

While the overall divorce rate in the United Kingdom has declined in the last 20 years, the cumulative percentage of marriages ending in divorce by their 25th wedding anniversary has increased over time, with women initiating the majority of divorces.

Countless articles spout the “challenges” of grey divorce:  the division of marital assets, the pensions, the 401(k)s, the IRAs.  The potential decline in the quality of life for the wife.

As a divorced baby boomer whose life purpose is to help women (and a few good men) plan for their financial futures by first helping them navigate the daunting landscape of divorce, I’m here to pose some commonsense questions:

  • When has divorce NOT been a challenge, especially for women?
  • When, since 1971 (in the US), have marital assets NOT been divided?  The retirement accounts NOT been split?
  • When have women’s lives NOT been more negatively impacted by divorce than men’s lives?

The underlying message in many of these articles is, “Oh, beware, little lady!  You may not have it so good if you go through with this.” Or, worse, “Do you really have it all that bad?”

YOU Know What Is Best For YOU…

Makes you want to spit a nail, doesn’t it?  Fight the fury, dear friend.

Instead, find a new tribe; a tribe who encourages you to dance your own dance and sing your own song.  While clearly many things have changed for the better for women, there will always be those who think they know best.  When you encounter these clods who still believe YOU don’t know what’s best for YOU, do what I do: The Big Eye Roll.  Granted, I do it so often, that one day I’m afraid I’m going to eye roll myself into another universe, but it’s a risk I gladly take.

My takeaway in this?  If, dear friend, the rate in which people over 50 are divorcing is increasing and women initiate the majority of divorces, then this tells me that women are weighing their options and believe the challenges they must overcome for their fresh start are well worth it!

I’m here to help.

Wishing you peace & plenty!

Your grey girlfriend

Signiture

by Amy Lawson, MBA, CDFA®, RTTP®, C. Hyp

Instagram @graygirlfriendsguidetodovorce

Further reading -

The Gray Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce: Leave Without Losing Your Money, Your Mind, or Your Magic P

 

July 18, 2023

Lady Liberté enters the world of burlesque

My 2023 challenge - Learn and perform a burlesque show live on stage

My Body Acceptance Journey

Even I'm surprised I've just performed my first burlesque routine!

You'll often hear me say ‘I would never have done this when i was younger” when it comes to modelling in my lingerie, showing up on social media talking about body confidence, body acceptance and being so publicly visible.

It’s true, I have been on such a confidence building journey over the last 13 years, with lots of wobbles along the way. Mentally, I’m in the best place that I’ve ever been with my body, even though physically there are still a lot of menopausal changes going on. But it will always be work in progress and finding body confidence is never a done deal.

 Stepping out of my comfort zone

Every year I like to challenge myself to push myself out of my comfort zone. Last year's challenge was to model nude for a life drawing class which I was obviously nervous about but found liberating. Taking steps out of my comfort zone helps me practice what I preach when it comes to body acceptance. 

2023 Challenge

I've been a big fan of Dita Von Teese for years and was over the moon when she shared an image of me wearing her lingerie for a Playful Promises Ageless Fashion campaign on her instagram feed, to millions of her followers back in 2020. After watching Dita perform live on her Glamonatrix tour last year, I was in awe of all the performers proudly celebrating their bodies.

I'm also constantly inspired by the brilliant Judith Vandepeer Delgado @pupindevert who started burlesque later in life and is now a regular in the UK burlesque scene aged 60, proving to any doubters that our age doesn't define us. If you don't already follow her on instagram go and give her a follow as she's just fabulous.

I knew I had to give it a go. This year’s challenge to learn and perform a burlesque routine had been set!

Tigz Rice x Miss Victory Violet Shoot Day at Berwick Lodge, Bristol © Tigz Rice Ltd 2019. http://www.tigzrice.com

Why Burlesque?

Hands up if you watched the movie "Burlesque" starring Cher and Christina Aguilera with curiosity? The art of burlesque has been around for years with seedy connotations but thankfully films like this and women like Dita Von Teese have made it a much more acceptable and popular art form.

What I loved and started to realise whilst watching Dita’s Glamanatronix show was the pure celebration and self-expression of the performer’s bodies, the mood and purpose was not around sexual gratification for men as I had previously thought.  Yes, the performers may decide to strip down to nipple tassels and G-strings, but it felt like it was ‘a fuck it, this is my body’ act of acceptance which I and the audience applauded.

Empowering women

Burlesque is an empowering art form for women, it provides a platform for self-expression, body positivity, and confidence. I’m drawn to burlesque performances because it creates a space for women to reclaim their sexuality and challenge societal norms, promoting the idea that beauty and sensuality come in diverse forms. It allows performers of all ages, shapes, and sizes to embrace their individuality and break free from traditional expectations, fostering a supportive community where empowerment and self-assurance flourish.

That’s what led me down this year’s path, would I be brave enough to stand on stage and do this?

Where do you start?

I had no idea how I was going to even start this challenge as there weren’t any local burlesque classes near me and I was beginning to think this one just wouldn’t happen. That is until a friend I'd met through social media, Jane Wood, who runs a dance school and Fem-Chi classes put a shout out on Instagram. Jane is passionate about helping women that are feeling disconnected from their femininity and sensuality. Helping women tap into their inner confidence and fierceness,  to help you regain that lost fire. Jane was a guest on my podcast recently so you can find out all about her here

She was running a 10 week on line burlesque course with the opportunity to perform as a group at the Womanifest in Cheshire this July. Talk about perfect timing! I was already booked as a speaker at this year’s festival, so I just knew I had to sign up. Not only did I sign up but I immediately put my name forward to perform a solo act.

Commitment. Classes, Can I really do it?

Apart from the occasional wedding disco, I haven't properly danced since my drama A Level in 1988, so it’s fair to say it didn’t come naturally. I was actively discouraged by my ballet teacher when I was younger because I did not have the right build for the ballet world (I'm sure I'm not the only person who heard this back in the 1970's).

I began to look forward to the 90-minute sessions each week and even though I struggled with my left and right and some of the moves didn’t come naturally I enjoyed the process. It was fun to learn something completely new, to switch off from the day and focus on something just for me.

Disconnecting from our bodies during the menopause

Like lots of women going through the menopause I have days when I feel disconnected from my body, and this really helped me appreciate my body and all it does for me. The other 6 women in the group were of various ages, mostly a lot younger but there was a common thread of anxiety and fear of expressing our sensuality that bonded us together.

Performance Day

I’ve just had one of the busiest weeks of the year so far which probably didn't help with the nerves leading up to Saturday. It also meant I hadn’t rehearsed as much as I’d hoped to. It even got to the point where I messaged Jane on my way to Cheshire to say I might have to miss out the group routine because I just hadn’t got it in my head. Jane reminded me that this was for fun, an experience to be shared and enjoyed and if a few mistakes were made, then so what? A great reminder not to take ourselves too seriously.

Show Time

The time had come and there was no going back. I did make some mistakes in the group routine but nothing major and I think I got away with it. Funnily enough I was more worried about the group performance because no one would know if things didn’t go to plan in my solo.

It was one of those moments that you have to fully commit and go all in, so I did and once the music started and I was on that stage it felt so liberating and I loved it! Slight hiccup half way through when I was dancing back towards the chair, and I realised my feather boa wasn’t there so I had to completely blag the second part of the routine but that’s show business!!

Freedom to express our sensuality

How often as women, at any age, do we get the chance to freely express our sensuality without fear of judgement? Performing at Womanifest, a women only festival was exactly what I needed. We all have different parts to our personalities, and they all deserve equal spaces to be let free!

I did this for me, and it felt bloody good!

I now have that video as a reminder. If I’m having a bad day and need to boost my confidence I’ll go back and watch it.

Rachel Peru performs her first live burlesque routine on stage

 

Have you ever been to a burlesque class?

Are you curious?

Just try it, it’s a great way to celebrate and embrace your body ❤️

Will Lady Liberté ever be seen again? Never say never!

Keep being fabulous.

Rachel x

July 12, 2023

Believe in Butterflies! (Or: The Evolution of the Self)


I’m not alone in all of this, or am I?

The stories around midlife are becoming more and diverse. I like reading them! I like the information I get, the tips and hacks to help you get through, the comfort of finding out that the ghosts haunting me are quite common and normal for this time in life, this uplifting feeling from hearing or reading about personal success, and most of all the assurance that I’m not alone in all this. Or am I?

I'm very lucky in that I’ve hardly had any age-related physical problems (yet). Some bloating, swollen ankles, sometimes a bit of breathlessness, dryness in certain places and incontinence -I'm familiar with them, but most of them are under control.

Battling the Dementors

However, I'm battling Dementors! I've been struggling with mood swings, dark moods, a feeling of hopelessness. My family is amazing! My husband just gets on with things, leaves me to it and loves me the way I am, sometimes teases me, that I'm always angry anyway (so basically. I'm the Hulk!). My teenage, young adult, sons have been going through hormonal changes themselves, so they sort of know what's going on.

Work Life

My issue is the other big part of my life: WORK! When I'd finished school, my dad told me that I could study anything I liked, but not arts - the one thing that I've always wanted to do! He thought there was no money in arts. So instead, I studied social work, because I felt (and others told me) that I was "good with people". But later, after a couple of jobs, I decided that what I really wanted to do, was to work with children - and so I did.

First in my native Germany with 3 - 6-year-olds, then I had my own children and moved to England. I consider myself very lucky, as I was able to stay at home with my children until they had nearly finished primary school before I had to go back to work to contribute to our income.  I continued where I'd left off: started with childminding from home, then started working in a nursery –  SNAP! The trap closed!

I like being in control.

This job is my personal mirror that has helped me to find out who really am, in a rather harsh way. Midlife has changed me: I'm not as patient as I used to be, neither as tolerant nor empathetic with others. My mood swings caused a lot of inner frustration, anger, and irritation, then frustration with myself for not being able to control those feelings. (Ahhh, CONTROL! I like being in control)

Knowledge is Power

I was becoming aware that all of these were quite common signs of menopause, and on the background that my niece was developing an app supporting women through menopause. I started asking a lot of questions, I've been reading a lot about the various symptoms, picking up tips, tricks, hacks, and exercises to cope with them. I read up on midlife in general, how it changes women and their way of thinking about themselves, researched different personality types and trades to find out mine, and learned more and more about myself.

So, who am I?

First: I'm a true introvert. I’ve always been happy in my own company, having just a few close friends, and enjoying going to clubs and parties, but usually making sure that I could leave whenever I wanted. I remember leaving family gatherings without an explanation, to go for a walk-in solitude, before returning, ready for another dose of social interaction. When I became a mum, I struggled with having to be completely devoted to these little creatures that now depended on me, with my husband at work and no social network, in a foreign country, having nowhere in space or time to escape to.

Facing the hormonal rollercoaster

So why on earth would I go back into childcare? To generate income - it was what I knew! At least these children would go back to their parents at the end of the day, right? Little did I know then, how the experiences from work would still spin round and round in my head at home in my supposed safe place, causing me to snap at my kids thereby generating mum guilt to add to the load. The hormonal rollercoaster made what had once been a hard but enjoyable joy unbearable.

Everything has since felt intensified: the noise of the children, the "feel good" music in the background. the structure and pace of daily routines. some people's voices. the brightness of the lights. I tried my best to block out what wasn't needed, and to concentrate on one child or a small group at a time,  which led to me missing announcements or when colleagues were talking to me. Sometimes, I couldn't even listen to someone who was talking to my face; I would stare at them in concentration. but somehow the words didn't reach my brain. I went for a hearing test, but everything was fine.

Building a mental health toolkit

So, I decided that it must be the mental effects of menopause and started to establish a daily routine: some mild exercise, a walk with the dog in the morning. Practising mindfulness during my dinner breaks, changing my diet (less caffeine, less alcohol, more plant-based food).

I'd write my gratitude journal , after work on the couch (while binge eating sweets, chocolates, and crisps) before falling asleep in front of the television. The things outside the last brackets have become an invaluable help on my journey!

They are some of the tools in my mental health toolbox.

Exploring the medical route

I also tried the medical route. This resulted in one Dr prescribing me anti-depressants over the phone, because I had confirmed to sometimes having "dark thoughts".

I had been asking about a blood test to check my hormone levels, but he just told me "Well, why check them? We already know that your hormone levels are low!". I did pick up the pills, but I never took them. This was not my way of dealing with my problems! The next GP, this time face to face about a year later, had me trying hormone patches, based on what I had told her about the way I was feeling. I stopped using them, because they didn't feel right either (I felt empty, and I started bleeding again, which I'd stopped about two and a half years earlier). However, these experiences were my eye opener!

I am not ill, I don’t need fixing, I’m absolutely fine!

Using my mental health tool kit and the app and following different life coaches and other amazing people on social media. Reading their stories, posts, and lots of empowering quotes, helped established one thing: I am not ill, I don't need fixing, I'm absolutely fine!

I am an introvert and work best on my own; I work best when I'm not being rushed, left to do things at my own pace (slowly but thoroughly); I work with passion when I'm following my own ideas; I am creative, a maker; I'm strong headed, independent, and determined - That's me!

Falling down the comparison trap

That's not bad material for a self-employed power woman, right? So, why am I not?

And now comes the part that I don't really want to write about, because it makes me feel weak, makes me feel like I'm making excuses, makes me feel Inadequate: first, I want financial security! Then, because my job is too fast paced for me, too full of sensual experiences, of changes and things out of my control, too intensely filled with social interaction, I desperately need winding down time. When I'm at work, I use my toolbox to keep my head over water, but it's at home, where I recharge my batteries. That takes time!

Then, I need time to do fun things and be creative. Can you hear my voice go quieter? Because now, my inner life coach is telling me "Well, if you want to get out of this job, you need to do something about it! No pain, no gain!" And I whisper "Yeah, but if I prepare for self-employment, it'll be another thing on my To Do list, another chore! ... and I don't even know which way to go..." and then I shut up, lost, and confused, comparing myself to all these amazing and interesting power women I'm reading about and meeting online; wondering, where I fit in. This is also me!

The chrysalis inside the cocoon!

Who I really am is the chrysalis inside the cocoon!

I am leaving my caterpillar life behind and slowly transforming, in my own time. I'm chaos, inside, not really knowing where I'II be going or what's going on, but not sleeping or standing still. I'm not sure when I’ll hatch, but I'm busy creating, trying new things, meeting new people, and growing ... into a beautiful butterfly!

I believe in Love, Life,

and the Evolution of the Self!

Words by Claudia Stringfellow

Instagram-@claudia.stringfellow 

Facebook- @claudiastringfellow

March 22, 2022

How long does it take before you begin to feel like you belong in your own skin?

 

by Alison Bale

Once upon a time there lived a little girl who did not like being told what to do. And did not feel she fitted in.

To find where she does fit in has taken many years, four career changes, and one change of continent.

How long does it take before you begin to feel like you belong in your own skin? Mid fifties for me. But I get ahead of myself, so let’s fast backwards 25 years.

To a world I barely recognize as I write.

I used to be the woman on the 6am train, putting on her make up on her way to a consulting job in London. I started in publishing, morphed into communication consulting, and now had a job in the city, with a red sports car and a house in the home counties.

But I wasn’t happy. The crux was that the team I’d joined was based 30 minutes from my house. Then we were moved, and the commute became two hours each way. And I wasn’t enjoying the job. What to do?

I only appreciated with hindsight that moving me to London was the best thing the company could have done. It made me so uncomfortable, it forced me to consider what I did want, and make changes.

Specifically, it gave me the impetus to accept I might have to retrain, and I gave myself a deadline – decide what I wanted to do and get it done by the time I was 40. And as if by magic, I chanced across an article about chiropractic for horses.

When I applied, it was as though everything I’d done in my life, from aged 7 onwards (when I started horse riding), had been about being on the road to being here. The poet David Whyte writes that when we look back on our journey, it’s as though the only way we could have traveled was the way we had come. It certainly felt like that.

But retraining as an adult is a huge leap. I had to go freelance from my job – giving up the regular salary when I was the name on the mortgage and was about to get married (I don’t do things by halves). The funny thing is, I discovered that when you commit to a ‘leap of faith’, the universe moves to support you. I’d been asked to have lunch with a former colleague, who’d gone into PR. I still remember sitting opposite her as she said she had a magazine contract to fulfil and asked if I knew any good editors. ‘I’m going freelance tomorrow – will I do?’

Working for myself suited me and somehow the work kept flowing. And the changes in me had a ripple out effect for my husband, who decided he would train in therapy, too. And found a job he loved and has stuck with longer than any other job he’s had. Another lesson, the things you do can have beneficial consequences for others.

But I digress, four years study and I was a human chiropractor, so onwards to the animal course. Well yes, except I didn’t enjoy the animal work when I finally got to it. Strange that the thing that got me onto the path was not what I wanted when I got there. But that was OK, because I love the human work.

That should have been enough big change, eh? But no. Have you ever had a sense that you must do something, and that however risky, if you do not act, you’ll regret it the rest of your life?

In a nutshell, that’s how I came to move to India. I arrived intending to stay three years then go home. That was in 2006! The roller coaster of the last 15 years has seen lots of travel, and lots of work offering chiropractic care to a population with almost no access to it (eight chiropractors for a population of 1.4 billion.

It has been a much more challenging experience than I could have envisaged. India is a very different culture to the one I grew up in – much more chaotic – and I have changed as a result. I used to be an arch planner – less so now.

I’ve gone through peri-menopause and into menopause in India, and with it has come quite a radical change of thinking. For a while I fell out of love with chiropractic. Combination of joint pain, hot flashes, poor sleep, brain fog – none of which help you show up as your best for other people who are in pain.

But there was also a sense that I wanted to do more – specifically move away from a passive intervention towards one that gave people more control over their own minds and bodies. So, in my latest incarnation, I’m teaching mindfulness. And looking to return to the UK.

There’s a lot of talk today about ‘knowing your why’. Mine is ‘leave this world a better place than I found it’. Once you know your ‘why’, I think you can get through anything to deliver it. But I also think how you deliver it can change over time.

I’m ready for my next adventure, my next challenge. I love learning and growing, and am excited to see where the next version of me goes from her.

I’ll close by returning to the poet David Whyte, who says that

"The person who sets out on a journey, the person seeking, is not the person who arrives "

That’s very much true of me.

#midlifewomen #sharingstories #outofthebubble #lifeafter40 #inspiringwomen #personaljournals #stepoutofthebubble #midlifeblog

 

 

 

 

 

January 7, 2022

Empowering Boudoir Photography

My top 5 reasons to say yes to a boudoir shoot.

I believe all women should have the opportunity to do an empowering boudoir shoot at least once in their life.

The term boudoir still appears attached to outdated ideas that women who choose this are merely doing it to please a man.  When I first started my modelling career I never imagined I would be comfortable modelling lingerie . I certainly wouldn't have been comfortable expressing the more sensual side of my personality when I was younger. From my own experience I've found it totally empowering.

I had the pleasure of talking with Jane Earnshaw,  the founder of Chique Studios,  a photography and make over business,  for the Liberte Free to Be podcast. Jane inspires women to become more confident in front of the camera and embrace their natural beauty.I spent the day with Jane to hopefully help bust some of those fears away and show you just how accessible it is for everyone and what an impact it can have on someones confidence.

Here's my top 5 reasons why I think you should YES to a boudoir shoot

  • When do you get to spend the whole day being pampered?

From the minute you walk in to a good photographers studio you will be well looked after and made to feel special. I would say do your research when it comes to booking , check out there website, look at their photo gallery. Personally I love working with female photographers as I think they can relate to a woman's vulnerability. Try and work with a photographer that has a diverse range of images and women on their books. You may walk in feeling nervous but by the time the hair and make up team have finished you'll feel like a million dollars. Allowing yourself to step into a different world is so much fun.

Rachel Peru model lingerie shoot with Chique Studios

  • It will boost your confidence.

Lots of women struggle to feel happy in their bodies,  insecurity stops them thinking they will look good in the photos. We all have parts of our bodies that we aren't happy with

In 2016, the Dove Global Beauty and Confidence report interviewed 10,500 women and girls across 13 different countries. The results were staggering and women in the UK had the lowest body confidence scores in the world. Only 20% of women and young girls saying they liked the way they looked.

We ALL have amazing parts of ourselves that will always shine through on camera. Being honest with your photographer about your worries, prior to the shoot, will help you relax.  The photographer wants you to see just how naturally gorgeous you are and they will bring out the best in you.

 

  • It will help you connect with your sensuality, whatever that feels like to you.

Expressing your sensuality doesn't have to mean wearing lingerie and lace. You may feel more sensual wearing a trouser suit with a hint of cleavage showing. I actually think the term boudoir should be changed to empowerment. It's such an individual feeling.

We've all been conditioned to think that women after 40 need to hide our bodies away, that our bodies in midlife are perhaps something to be ashamed of. This can only leave women feeling invisible and lose confidence in themselves. I strongly believe we can and need to reclaim our ageing bodies back and learn to embrace them just as they are right now.

When I model lingerie and share my body confidence posts on social media 50% of the population maybe surprised to hear that I am not doing it to please their male gaze. The fact that a woman in lingerie may be viewed as sexy is merely a by-product and not the goal; I think it’s important for us all to remember that.

I do it to show other women that it is OK to celebrate and enjoy your body, no matter how old you are. It’s my choice to express myself this way and I am finally confident enough to own that. I hope you can too.

  • It will push you out of your comfort zone.

Yes stepping out of your comfort zone is a little scary but it's definitely where I've grown the most in the last ten years. I find it helps to build a new memory bank of life experiences that you can always call on if your having a bad self belief day. Having those beautiful images of yourself to go back to will give you that extra boost of confidence.

 

  • To celebrate just how fabulous you are

Doing a boudoir shoot can really be a way of showing your body some self love. A reminder just how amazing your body is showing up for you every day. Every wrinkle, every stretch mark, every scar tells a story of what makes you unique. Capturing that in a lingerie shoot is powerful and something to be celebrated.

(P.S If you're offered a glass of champagne on the shoot take it! You deserve it x)

“Feeling confident, being comfortable in your own skin - that’s what really makes you beautiful.”

#janeearnshaw #chiquestudios

 

You can also watch the behind the scenes video with Chique Studios HERE

Outfits- Pink suit @Zara

Pink bra @Playful Promises

Black Body- Figleaves #gifted

#empoweringwomen #bodyconfidence #bodypositive #embraceyourbody #midlifewomen #boudoirshoot #chiquestudios

 

October 25, 2021

Sustainable Fashion on the High Street

If you've been following me for a while you'll already know I'm a big fan of wearing vintage and preloved clothes. Not just because it's good for my bank balance but also because I think we all need to play our part in creating a more sustainable fashion environment. You can create sustainable style whilst shopping on the high street too. I love fashion and always will do but I am becoming increasingly conscious of the damaging impact the fast fashion industry has on our environment; let's face it, it's impossible to ignore! But it doesn't mean we can't remain stylish.

I completely understand that the thought of going vintage shopping is a little daunting for some and that spending hours in a charity shop or on Ebay isn't going to be for everyone. That's why it's exciting to see high street brands bringing this conversation into the mainstream. I love what the Designer Boutique as part of Next have been doing to make sustainable fashion more accessible.

The recently launched collaboration with designers Marques Almeida and Caroline Issa turns unloved, deadstock fabrics into 'wearable works of art'. Vogue business recently reported that "deadstock fabric and unsold inventory are weighing down the fashion industry, which is responsible for 10 per cent of the world’s carbon emissions" perhaps a sobering thought next time you look in your wardrobe!

With this in mind I'm really wanting to create a wardrobe that works harder for me, with pieces that can transition across the seasons.

I love this Marques Almeida X Label stripe shirt dress #gifted ,which will look great this Winter with a black polo jumper, thick tights and biker boots or over jeans as well as dressed up with heels for a night out.

In the Summer I'll be back in my faithful white pumps and denim jacket so this dress will still look fresh. You might be thinking £129 is a bit pricey for a shirt dress but when you think about how much wear you could actually get out of it then it becomes a sound investment.

Wrap organisation , a charity that works to promote and support sustainable resources, reported that "As a whole in the UK, the average lifetime for a garment of clothing is estimated as ~2.2 years" But if we extend the active wear of our clothing by an extra 9 months we can significantly reduce the negative impact on our environment.

I've also got my eye on the Bright check coat designed by Caroline Issa as part of this collection.

Of course it's not just Next that are making positive changes with sustainable fashion on the high street, here's a few of my favourites to follow!

H&M made a commitment to make sure at least 50% of each piece in their Conscious collection is made from sustainable materials.

Asos Responsible Edit is a one stop shop for environmentally conscious clothing and accessories. This seems like a particularly important move for a brand known for its fast fashion links.

You can't go wrong with & Other Stories and they have a great collection of clothes made from recycled and sustainably sourced materials.

If you're wanting a bit of luxury why not take a look at the Rixo Sustainable collection. I love the Pink Paisley dress made from  recyclable materials and off cuts of fabric that would have otherwise been wasted and it's made in a female owned factory in India too. Only available on line.

“As consumers, we have so much power to change the world by just being careful in what we buy”

#Emma Watson

 

If you'd like to read more about how to create a sustainable wardrobe why not read my Style Swops & Charity Shops post.

#gifted #sustainablefashion #highstreetfashion #sustainablestyle #midlifestyle #over50style #shirtdress #stripes #fashionafter40 #fashionblogger

 

 

 

March 1, 2021

Finding body confidence in midlife.

How I have overcome my lack of body confidence to become a silver haired curve model, modelling lingerie at 50.

Rachel Peru model

If someone would have told me in my twenties and thirties that I would become a full-time model in my late forties I would never have believed them.

To the point where I actually booked to have a breast reduction because I hated the size of them and honestly thought this would make me feel happier. Thankfully I reconsidered. It makes me feel sad that I wasted so much time and energy on these thoughts instead of living life to the full.

I was very shy when I was younger and didn’t have a big career mapped out when I left school. I really wanted to go to Drama school, but my lack of self- belief held me back. After fifteen years in various retail roles I had my three children and then retrained as a nursery school assistant, it fitted in with family life easily. I found myself getting divorced at 39 and decided to finally go to University. I am proud to have gained a 2.1 Education Studies degree aged 41. I was delighted and thought I had finally got my career mapped out and imagined a new career in teaching.

New beginnings

Four years ago, I began a new career, aged 46 as a model. I’m a UK size 14-16, with grey hair and a 34G bust.

I didn’t plan to do this; it just sort of happened at a time when I least expected it. After getting divorced at 39 I went to university and gained a BA in Education Studies and worked as a nursery teacher which I loved. My eldest daughter was struggling with severe anxiety which in the end led to home schooling and me leaving work. Being at home really knocked my confidence.  I felt very isolated for what felt like a long period of time. I was asked to model in a local Macmillan charity fashion show by a close friend and although nervous about it I agreed. This was just the thing to help me regain my confidence, because it took me out of my comfort zone, and it was exhilarating.

I had also decided to stop colouring my hair after battling grey hair since I was a teenager. It’s hard to explain but for the first time I truly felt like me, this in turn helped my confidence grow even more. After volunteering for Macmillan for a few years I decided to send photos off to agencies after some encouragement from others and to my surprise I was offered contracts.

I am now signed exclusively with Bridge models in London and I love my new career, I get to meet so many different people, travel and wear some fabulous clothes, including swimwear and lingerie.

Representation matters.

But the thing I have become most passionate about is being able to represent women in midlife and help challenge the media and fashion industry.  I am finally happy in my skin and have never felt more confident about my body.  I am aware so many women in midlife come to a body confidence crisis and when you look at how invisible in media, marketing and the fashion industry it’s hardly surprising.

Wouldn’t it be nice to go lingerie shopping in a department store and see models in their forties and fifties as well as the younger women? We want to be able to relate to the images and imagine how I would look in them, instead we are bombarded by youth which often leads us down a negative ageing body comparison.

I want to be able to share all my experience and knowledge gained,  all of the things that have worked for me over the last ten years that has helped me become happy in my body and move forward in life. This passion has led me to gaining a BodyLove diploma.

 

Keep being fabulous

Rachel x

 

 

February 12, 2021

Midlife Inspirathon- Spreading midlife positivity

A 13 hour live marathon day, interviewing inspiring women, spreading some midlife positivity.

Wow what a day to remember!

Where the idea came from

When I first had the idea to celebrate the launch of the new Liberte Free to Be podcast series  I never imagined it would grow into such a big event. During the last 14 months my modelling work had obviously dwindled due to the pandemic,  so having the podcast to keep working provided me with a sense of purpose.

I knew I wanted to create an event where I could give something back, as women supporting other women, is at the heart of my personal brand, so creating a fundraising event seemed like the perfect fit.

What is a Midlife Inspirathon?

The Midlife Inspirathon is a full day of live interviews. over on my Instagram page , interviewing 22 women all with inspiring stories to tell, whilst raising money for two women's charities to support.

Women Supporting Women

The Motherwell Cheshire charity, CEO Kate Blakemore has become a familiar face on the podcast.  I am constantly blown away by Kate and her teams dedication to help girls and women from all ages and backgrounds offering a wide range of services.

Last year I started to build a relationship with the Smart Works Leeds charity after joining them as a guest on body confidence panel so I was delighted to have the chair Helen Oldham join me for an interview.

Who joined me?

What a pleasure to interview 22 women all with inspiring stories, live on Instagram starting at 8.30am and finishing at 9.30pm. From midlife body confidence activists, authors, midlife mavericks and every day women all with amazing stories to tell. The message that age is not a barrier to following our dreams, reinventing ourselves and finding new passion and purpose was loud and clear. I was left feeling inspired for the next decade and motivated to keep stepping up and removing my self made barriers to make sure I achieve so much more.

 

 

 

 

A celebrity line up-

When women support one another incredible things can happen.

I was so grateful to have everyone join me and for celebrities , including BAFTA winning television and radio presenter Katy Hill who is now stepping in to a new arena after training as a personal development and empowerment coach supporting the event.

Well known Atomic Kitten Natasha Hamilton who has also had a successful solo career, along with actress, singer, presenter, podcaster and founder of the lifestyle community The Capsule Natalie Anderson.

Sally Carman interrupted her busy Coronation Street schedule to talk to me about her role as an ambassador for the Motherwell Cheshire's Believe project. A project that supports women who find themselves in a vulnerable position, often homeless, with children whom are taking way from them into care or placed for adoption. Sally took up the ambassador role after her character Abi Franklin had a very similar story line.

All the interviews are now available to watch on IGTV here

Thank You!

The event has raised £1380 so far and I have say a huge thank you to all the sponsors as without them it wouldn't have been possible.

In no particular order-

Bridge models, Clair Mackenzie, The Business Revolution, Clockface Beauty, Copper & White, Susan Esco, Dye2befree, Mandy Taylor- founder of Charity Angels, Cloud9, Nima marketing, ChocolatePR, Jacynth Bassett, Jo Cusden, Audrey, Annie Stirk, Wear My Freedom, Yourbody.love

Final Thoughts

We can not allow our fear of failure stop us from pursuing our dreams in this next chapter of life.

All the women I interviewed are grabbing hold of midlife and making sure that they are certainly not invisible.

There's a real sense of midlife community, women who are supporting one another and reaching down to others who may need a hand up. I only hope we can build on this and hope that the media , fashion and advertising companies start to truly reflect the real power of women over 40 who are shining brightly later in life.

Don't forget you can also find lots more inspiration over on the Liberte Free to Be podcast.

I'm just getting started!

Keep being fabulous x

 

 

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