Where do I go from here, where do I start?

A Blog by Zoe Davis

How do I retake control?

I’ve honestly no idea. Life has been like a constant rollercoaster ever since I can remember and the one thing I always assumed I could control was my own mind, body & soul. How wrong was I?

You see life has this way of testing you and it happens in the least expected places at the least expected times. It can knock you for six, throw you to your knees or it can fester deep within you until it rockets out of you in this huge explosion of emotions that you can no longer control.

Sweep it under the carpet

As a child growing up, I learnt the ultimate trick of the trade; how to sweep things under the carpet. I thought it was brillant. Don’t want to deal with it? Sweep it under the carpet. Can I pretend it never happened? Sweep it under that carpet. Can’t control that, sweep it under the carpet. Eventually I realised I didn’t have a big enough carpet. No amount of sweeping was going to get all of what happened to me under that little rug, because that’s in fact what it was, a rug. A rug I so swiftly pulled out from under myself when I decided to do that work on myself.

You see, when you start to work on yourself you start to pull those things out from under that carpet or rug in my case. You start to unpick all those long hidden things that you pretended weren’t happening, didn’t know how to control, didn’t want to deal with……every ounce of you comes falling out from that carpet till eventually it unravels. Sometimes unravelling at such a pace your feet don’t touch the ground and overwhelm and darkness is so great you wonder which part to look at next. Other times it takes a while and then you feel the pieces drop into place. A journey of healing and finally exploring who you are is a Never Ending Story, cliche I know but true.

You start to realise it is quite easy to lose control of many parts of you to fit into society, work, family, friends and social circles. It takes courage to step out and breathe. To admit and to feel the love of who you are.

Who is Zoe?

I am Zoe I am in my early 40’s and it is only now, with many other beautiful humans that I have started to really unpick my life and work on those secret sweeping activities that I had learnt to do from a young age. A glimpse of my life…

I grew up in what was referred to as a “broken” home. Parents separated & remarried. My shoulders carried the secrets and arguments of the past between generations. My childhood was not all smiles & laughter. I quickly understood how to be hyper vigilant in many situations, suppress my anxiety, show my anger in all the wrong ways, pretend things hadn’t happen, cover things up….I also understood that the one thing I could control was my body.

Bullying as a teen in school with severe acne, one of the first to start periods (horrendous ones at that) & braces, all this had pushed me to some dark places, I realised the one thing I could control was my body. I smoked to suppress the need to eat, I ate barely anything in the day and would only eat my evening meal at the family table to avoid anyone knowing. I would often pretend I had made a packed lunch for school taking nothing but a packet of crisps at a push. If I did eat it would be comfort style chocolate, crisps etc.

Burying my head in the sand

As I hit my 20’s I was told by a doctor if I wanted a baby I would need to pile on the weight as at 5ft 6 and 7 and half stone my body was struggling. I had to change, yet my partner at the time didn’t like it, what if I lost my pert boobs & arse. Not a look he was in favour of. I put some weight on and did become pregnant. Yet pregnancies for me weren’t great.

My first pregnancy saw me pile on the weight. I hid and swept all my feelings under that already stuffed rug. I struggled with my weight after and my health as a woman with my periods. 10 years later when I had my second baby I realised I had piled on more weight but couldn’t shift it and during my 2nd pregnancy I had busted my leg so mobility was limited. I used all these as excuses & buried my head in that ostrich hole in the ground called shame. I continued to sweep everything under the carpet including me problematic periods and post natal depression and my overwhelming past. It was a chance encounter with a therapist when my baby was 6 weeks old that ignited that moment when I knew but still fought it for a while, I need to start to unpick and unravel that rug…..that was 7 years ago.

Acceptance of me, just as I am

Since then I’ve learnt a lot about myself, my relationships, boundaries too. I’ve also discovered how to thank and accept my body for what it is, what it can do for me, how it looks & how it feels. My body no longer has pert boobs or rear end. I am no longer a size 8 in clothing more like a size 20/22 give or take. I have a man that appreciates me & my body too.

I am different because I can see how my body has changed & worked with me through teen life, two pregnancies, miscarriages, endometriosis, post natal depression, hysterectomy, car accident, stair accident and much more. I am 41 and now I appreciate my body and accept it more. I’m not going to say I love it entirely as we all have moments we wish things were better. Yet I will say I have a great deal of gratitude for my body, my mind & my soul. I feel more worthy to walk this earth than I have done for many years.

My rug, the new one is slowly being weaved. This however hides nothing under it.

This is now my magic rug that will take me where I want to be. Dream the biggest dreams & live life no longer in secret or darkness.